I met the chicest, coolest woman yesterday, strawberry yellow and British. She told me I had time, but not too much time, to figure out my shit, and then she handed me some sunscreen and pushed me in a pool. She sat on the edge with a Valentino tote, and I thought to myself, who brings a Valentino bag thisclose to chlorine?. The chicest, coolest woman ever does – or, you know, anybody would, if it was fake…
[OSWALD BOATENG - AM I THE IMAGINARY SOCIALITE?]
To the right is Ollie from The Oolahs, to the left is a very cute boy. But who?
a) Kevin Bacon’s nephew, an actor named Sam
b) Tommy Hilfiger’s god son, a model named Birch
c) Joe Strummer’s love child, a sous-chef named Adrian
d) Dan Keyes brother, a writer named Dave
Also, is he clone-able?
[RAIN PHOENIX - AM I THE IMAGINARY SOCIALITE?]
I swear, I just looked up and there it was…
[POPPY MONTGOMERY - AM I THE IMAGINARY SOCIALITE?]
Spotted: a Totally London truck pupping down Times Square, enticing people to visit London with free glasses of lemonade. Now, the truck was totally charming, and the lemonade was sufficiently tart, but if it’s really a UK-hyping automobile, shouldn’t it be serving Guinness? Or, at the very least, lemonade spiked with scotch? Come on now – Shakespeare, The Beatles, and Luella Bartley did not come from a land of Crystal Light…
[ANNA ORSINI - AM I THE IMAGINARY SOCIALITE?]
Sasha, 28
Has Mariah Carey on speed dial.
Has 12 pairs of flip flops by J. Crew.
Has a southern accent.
Has to be at the party this weekend…
[NELLY FURTADO - AM I THE IMAGINARY SOCIALITE?]
Earlier today, Brother Lawrence dared me to think of a new word, one for the newer, cuter, more expensive but slightly set-apart crowd of hipsters that pop up faster than a Dalton girl’s new crush. Our temporary word is “hipshionistas” but really, that’s just a marker. I think we should call them Fauxnies, like “My Little Fauxnies” or “Fauxnie Express”… I also like…
*Zipsters
*Flickers
*Scemos
But really I like Fauxnies best. I think these girls in Mark’s superawesome Cobra Snake shoot are totally My Little Fauxnies, in the best possible way – I bet they even have little stars and rainbows tattooed on their asses like the real things…
PS- hey Fauxnie – why are you posing with my boyfriend?
[GIA COPPOLA IS A FAUXNIE - BUT IS SHE THE IMAGINARY SOCIALITE?]
Saw a sneak show of The Devil Wears Prada, loved it, adored it, and laughed so hard – especially when they showed Andrea’s office building from the outside and I was like, wait, I’ve been in that building… it’s the InStyle building! Yes, really. Apparently The Devil doesn’t always wear Prada… sometimes she wears whatever Kate Hudson and Liv Tyler sport to a charity luncheon in West Hollywood… so curious.
Also, I have no idea what this is, but it’s hysterical…
[ANNE HATHAWAY - AM I THE IMAGINARY SOCIALITE?]
If you want to be a PR assistant, and by assistant I mean coffee-fetching, phone-calling, press-clipping, totally cute former intern, you should call up the Hollywould girls, because they need an entry level smarty to man the decks while a steady stream of Hearsts and Lohans buy their shoes. If you’re up to it, email jobs@ilovehollywould.com with your resume and a BRIEF explanation of why you’re perfect. And if you’re not up for it, maybe your heels are too small?
[HOLLY SHACKLETON - AM I THE IMAGINARY SOCIALITE?]
Bringing a white Chanel pouch to a party is courageous for several reasons…
1. You could drench it with whatever mojito is trendy this very second
2. You could know that for this bag, there are only two possibilities: one, that it’s vintage, since Chanel hasn’t made a white quilted box-bag in a very long time, or two: that it’s fake. totally fake, in broad daylight, and you totally love it.
3. It is also brave because this bag will never, ever match your shoes.
[ERIKA KURIHARA - AM I THE IMAGINARY SOCIALITE?]
Alison, 16
According to a certain Imaginary Intern, Alison was scoped for an ad campaign way before she was spotted by me. Was her billboard for…
a) CK One
b) American Apparel
c) Urban Decay
d) Pro-Keds
[PATRICIA SCHMID - AM I THE IMAGINARY SOCIALITE?]
This was supposed to be last week’s Blue Monday, but like most MJ fashion shows, it got pushed back extremely late. Enjoy.
Lesson 17: Acquiring a Petty Luxury piece.
Step One: Be friends with The DJ.
Step Two: Bound up to him, puppy style, at the Ben Sherman store and say, “omigosh, I’m so in love with your shirt.” Keep in mind that the DJ is very busy. Even though you have a million things to talk about, just stick to the shirt.
Step Three: Calmy wait for the DJ to peel the shirt off and deposit it, laundry hamper style, into your hands. Smile like you mean it.
Step Four: Pair with miniskirt and wear to a Conde Nast lunch. Don’t tell the DJ that a few Vogue girls asked about him, because he will get all blushy. Just post that bit on your blog instead.
Step Five: Wear the shirt again, this time to the pool. Have fun.
[ASHLEY ISHAM - AM I THE IMAGINARY SOCIALITE?]
So raise your hand if when you were fourteen, you’d take off on Sundays and hang out with the skaters at the parking lot in your town.
And raise your hand if you never quite fit in, but it was okay, because you were cute and slightly mysterious, and you took photos for your 9th grade art class.
Now raise your hand if you stole your mom’s Chanel sunglasses and took them with you. No? What about $10 knockoffs from the mall?
[NICOLA KRAUS - AM I THE IMAGINARY SOCIALITE?]
Jessie, 23
Her Hello: “So when do I get to be an Imaginary Socialite?”
Her Air Kiss: “Wait, let me take your picture.”
Her Goodbye: “See you the next time we’re in Nylon!”
Yeeeah.
[CHRISTY CARLSON ROMANO - AM I THE IMAGINARY SOCIALITE?]
Last week I wore a Heatherette evening gown in the rain. I was freezing and damp, and I figured there were two ways to go: the chic way or the don’t-get-sick way. So I threw some old Earl Jeans underneath it and that was that.
At the party there was frozen hot chocolate, and a pack of blown-out girls beside it. “I’m so cold,” moaned one of them, “I should have worn jeans.” I laughed and told her I did, and lifted my skirt to prove it. “So faux pas,” I grinned, and I felt like a dork, but whatever.
Today at The Spa, I see the same girl. “I remember you,” she says. “You wore jeans underneath that evening dress and I thought for the rest of the week that you were so cool.”
I wonder if she’s an alien, then reach for the wine.
[GLORIA VANDERBILT - AM I THE IMAGINARY SOCIALITE?]
To: am.i@imaginarysocialite.com
From: DrugsDontWork@verve.com
Hello Imaginary Socialite!
i was searching for psychiatrists online and I found your profile on MySpace. I was really hoping if you were able to help a friend out of mine who’s taken extreme amounts of ecstacy and I wanna know the side affects from it and how it changes a person’s personality.
Thank you so much for you concern!
1) I can’t believe someone wrote this. Well done, keep them coming…
2) I’ve never done ecstasy, but I can say when I’m really happy, my hair isn’t done and I wear boho dresses and plastic heels from Mexico. So, if your friend cut back on the Frizz-Ease and bought a Muu Muu from Miu Miu, maybe it’s time for help?
3. Speaking of Acid Trips, Casey really did start her San Francisco Pirate Blog.
[DR. PHIL - AM I THE IMAGINARY SOCIALITE?]