Imaginary Socialite

Do you recall the night that we first met’

And how I burnt your dress with my cigarette… I don’t know why

But I’m playing this game, for you

I’m guessing it’s just what all young lovers do…

[MALINA JOSEPH - AM I THE IMAGINARY SOCIALITE?]

New Email Address:

imaginarysocialite@gmail.com.

New Address:

second door to the right, down the stairs, past the painting.

New Dress:

vintage velvet Moschino.

I’ll be waiting…

[VALERIE ORTIZ - AM I THE IMAGINARY SOCIALITE?]

Made 4 Chanel: Why are there so many models in Whole Foods?

Imaginary Socialite: To test the guacamole, obviously.

Made 4 Chanel: I couldn’t take it, they were all hovering over the soup station, like trying to smell the soup instead of eat it? You know? And so I walked up to them and I went to the black bean soup, and I took a big spoonful.

Imaginary Socialite: Um, this already sounds dirty.

Made 4 Chanel: No so I pick up the ladle and I turn to the models and go, “This tastes way better than the kind they make in prison.”

Imaginary Socialite: Ah!

Made 4 Chanel: They totally believed me. They were so scared.

Imaginary Socialite: Very funny. But what happens when they see you at the shows?

Made 4 Chanel: Dude, they love it. They’ve all got a big crush now.

Imaginary Socialite: Riiiight.

[JENNI KAYNE - AM I THE IMAGINARY SOCIALITE?]

When Tanya D. was seven, John Galliano started making shirts with newsprint.

His runway tanks were actual newsprint, but in shops they came on fabric - blazing headlines about Anna Piaggi, Anna Wintour, Anna Karenina.

They disappeared for a bit, but sometimes the headline print still catches -

Visionaire revived it for their toy issue.

Mary Kate Olsen wore it to college.

The V&A exhibited some last year.

And also last night, this one popped out of a dance party like a neon gumball waiting for the chomp.

Is it a real Galliano tank? Or should we stop the presses?

[MARTHA PLIMPTON - AM I THE IMAGINARY SOCIALITE?]

Fashion Week Casting starts now, and the streets teem with teams of Stam impersonators. This is how it goes…

Hunger is not a morning person, and neither am I.

Dragging myself out of bed is doubled pain:

First I’ve got to drown in the shower, then I’ve got to eat something - which usually means I swallow a gag before gulping the eggs, the toast, the cereal.

Don’t get me wrong - at lunch and dinner, I eat like a teenage boy at soccer camp. It’s just the mornings I can’t stomach.

Lately though, the solution is easy: Sip a protein drink, plus a cup of soy milk, and I’m set.

Except this morning, when I had no cash for the Deli, and had to go to MetroMart, where they take my AmEx.

“Hi, I need a protein drink?” I ask the counter.

“Okay, yes, this way,” says the guy in the apron, in an accent.

He leads me past the OJ, past the Quik, past the yogurt circles.

“Here, this is what you like,” he says, slowly, as if it’s a new phrase.

I look up and see where he’s leading me.

A wall of stacked cans, all of them Slimfast.

The good news:

I buy two bags of Fritos instead. They’re way easier to eat than cereal.

[MICKI SCHNEIDER - AM I THE IMAGINARY SOCIALITE?]

*Saying you’ll be home by 2 is just a defense mechanism.

*Pencil skirts can be babydoll dresses with the right heels.

*Ice cream trucks don’t have lisence plates.

*John from Cincinatti will eventually draw a parallel between surfing and walking on water; therefore the Yost family will be revealed as descendants of Jesus. And that still won’t make it good TV.

*Being with your friends is more important than being with the band - unless you’re under 25.

[CHLOE DELEVIGNE - AM I THE IMAGINARY SOCIALITE?]

The first time I visited Vogue, an editor asked if my bag was “Balence.”

She meant Balenciaga, but in my case:

“No, it’s vintage, but thanks.”

That was four years ago, but it could have been yesterday - the Motorcycle bag still rules.

Backstage at Chanel, a headcount: 10 models stashed stuff in that bag.

Back room at the party, a headcount: 1 starlet, 1 rocker’s daughter, and 4 brunettes, all hiding their hearts in that bag.

“How many are faux?” I dared, and half raised their hands.

So now I’ll dare you:

The bag in this photo - real, or fake?

[RAQUEL ZIMMERMAN - AM I THE IMAGINARY SOCIALITE?]