Imaginary Socialite

[FRANCESCA EASTWOOD - AM I THE IMAGINARY SOCIALITE?]

Sometimes my hate’s like a lacquer.

It’s toxic and sludgy and slow. It’s gorgeous, and shiny, too. I poured it in the place between my lungs and my conscience so you can’t come between my breaths and my better decisions. I brushed it across the side of my stomach to stop me from shaking. I used it to seal up the snarls of my hair. I huff it before I sleep, and in the morning it’s heavy and sticky and sick. I wake sitting sideways, just in case I have to kick.

Sometimes my hate’s like a lip gloss.

It’s slippery and see-through and pink. It tastes the kind of happy that comes from a fake strawberry factory. I think it makes me prettier, but really it just keeps me too young to rein. Not that I’m aiming or anything.

Sometimes my hate’s like a laugh, the one you coughed out when I said, “I hate you” as if I were really saying, “Thanks for the wine” or “You’re funny,” or “I’m fine.” Like the laugh I gave you when you tried to kiss me afterward. And the one I kept faking all the way home.

Tonight I think my hate’s like a liquor – a little makes things fun, enough makes things easy, but stay with it all night and you wake up empty and ill.

I guess I’d rather not have it, but I like shiny things.

[ANNIE BAKER - AM I THE IMAGINARY SOCIALITE?]

Watching her move in elliptical patterns

Think it’s not what you say; what you say is really complicated

For a minute I couldn’t tell how to fall out

It’s 20 seconds to the last call…

[DAMARIS LEWIS - AM I THE IMAGINARY SOCIALITE?]

Hey New York Times, let’s have a quick chat.

Your Year in Ideas package was brilliant. Awesome. Like totally freak me out. Except for this one little thing:

You’re calling Heritage Chic the year’s biggest fashion phenom. Pendleton x Opening Ceremony is your big example. You end the article with a quote that says, “It’s not a trend, it’s more like a style. It’s basics.”

But your own internet is contradicting you, NYT! Just a few short clicks to the Opening Ceremony website, and you’ll see 34 styles of your beloved Heritage Chic – from OC x Pendleton, no less! – is on sale. Major sale. Get-this-stuff-out-of-the-store sale.

Is it because the stuff is insanely cool, but also tres cher?

Sure, that’s a big part of it. But before you run around calling something the fashion idea of the year, maybe you should check and see if your readers have actually bought any of it?

Just a thought. Also a thought: The red lipstick on this model is killer.

[JAKE GUEVARA - AM I THE IMAGINARY SOCIALITE?]

Princess Dye: Hey, we’re in the emergency room.

Imaginary Soc: WHAT?!

Princess Dye: Our cab flipped over, but I think everyone’s okay.

Imaginary Soc: Oh my god…

Princess Dye: Everyone wore their seat belts, so… the doctors say it’s going to be fine. And I already warned them I’m a vampire, so they need to pay attention to my blood type.

Imaginary Soc: Oh yeah?

Princess Dye: Yeah, and also to pay attention to my hair, because it’s a little flat today. But other than that, we’re fine.

[GET WELL SOON KIDS. WEAR YOUR SEATBELTS.]

Ali, 25, follows a grand tradition of It Girls in majorette suits:

Minnie Mouse in Toon Tune

Vanessa Huxtable in The Cosby Show

Gwen Stefani in Hollaback Girl!

Anja Rubick in Balmain Fall ’09

The difference?

Her Electric Parade skips Epcot and goes straight to the dance floor.

[PORTIA FREEMAN - AM I THE IMAGINARY SOCIALITE?]

Spotted at the Billy Reid store on Bowery:

This massive Vuitton tote, complete with Goyard-ish stripes, Birkin-ish straps, and Gucci-ish buckles.

Also: a luggage tag.

So with all this stuff going on, is this just the supergroup of bags, the Dead Weather of Vuittons?

Or is the hardware just a distraction from its Canal Street zip code?

[ELEANOR JACKSON - AM I THE IMAGINARY SOCIALITE?]

[EYEFORMATION - AM I THE IMAGINARY SOCIALITE OR DO I JUST MAKE COOL STICKERS?]

1. Chanel abandons models for really pretty “real” girls? Thank you, Mr. Director.

2. Dropping out of the Victoria’s Secret show a week before it happens – a good idea if you’re tackling R-Patz instead.

3. Attention, Ivy socialite: Diego still likes you. Duh.

4. Gossip Girl‘s getting a British girl next season. Keep your fingers crossed it’s R.R., she’s brilliant.

[EMILIE DE RAVIN - AM I THE IMAGINARY SOCIALITE?]

You sit so pretty west of the one

Sparkles light with yellow icing just a mirror for the sun

Now let us check our heads and let us check the surf

Staying high and dry’s more trouble than it’s worth in the sun.

[GRACIE GUMMER - AM I THE IMAGINARY SOCIALITE?]

Hair Flip: My roommate needs to go. Seriously. Aimee brought back this perfume from the Sephora in Japan, and we couldn’t figure out what it smelled like? So she comes into my room and goes, “Oh, this is easy, it smells like cocaine.”

Am I The IS: Yikes.

Hair Flip: Then there’s this big pause and we changed the subject.

Am I The IS: To what?

Hair Flip: Barbie for Louboutin. Like death. I mean, what’s the one part of Barbie you can never find.

Am I The IS: Her shoes!

Hair Flip: Her shoes! So Louboutin makes like five Barbie shoe designs? For those teeny tiny plastic molds?! Omg Barbie is so screwed. It’s worse than when your roommate takes your Brenda Bag and doesn’t tell you.

Am I The IS: I wouldn’t know. I don’t have a Brenda Bag.

Hair Flip: That’s okay. I love my Brenda Bag. You can love your Sketchers.

Am I The IS: And be whelmed? In Europe?

Hair Flip: Exactly.

[NICK THUNE - AM I THE IMAGINARY SOCIALITE?]

What’s the faux in this picture?

a) Clip on bangs.

b) False eyelashes.

c) Bizarrely enthusiastic backup DJ.

d) The vocals – she’s actually better than her tracks.

Please select your answer carefully; this counts on your final exam.

[MELANIE WARD - AM I THE IMAGINARY SOCIALITE?]

Bevy, 27, has an emergency kit in her Chanel Bag.

The Contents:

Tequila
Cell Phone #2
A Polaroid Camera
Lip Gloss
Very Bad Info About Boys Who Piss Her Off

Band-aids? Peroxide? Whatever, this is a dance party.

[FRANCESCO BONAMI - AM I THE IMAGINARY SOCIALITE?]

Things to do at Salman Rushdie’s House:

a) Teach him how to blog.

b) Discuss imperialist subtext in The Wizard Of Oz.

c) Finally ask him why he goes to so many fashion shows.

d) Watch reruns of Top Chef.

[ARUNDHATI ROY - AM I THE IMAGINARY SOCIALITE?]