I rarely get manicures, because I feel like if someone should get pleasure from peeling my skin, it should be me.
But when I got to Hollywood, I forgot to pack polish. Also: I was bored and I wanted to sit down. I’d walked for five miles. On purpose, I mean, I really just wanted a nice long hike. But then someone told me that if you walk in LA, people think you’re homeless, so I immediately strolled to the Marc store and bought jeans. I figured if a designer shopping bag chafed my back, it would scream “New Yorker” and not “despondent.” Although I think the kids in LA consider them the same thing.
The manicure was fine. But the girl next to me really wasn’t. She and her nail guru were bonding over their uneven breast implants. The manicurist kept chirping, “You have to push it down; you have to massage it!” Then she reached over her table and demonstrated. On her client’s fake boobs.
Perhaps this was the least of the issues. The girl’s boobs were fake – cantaloupe fake. The hair was acrylic. The nails were plastic. The nose was shaved into her skull. Don’t get me started on the “Gucci” purse.
Despite myself, I got a little obsessed. I couldn’t help it. I looked at this girl’s license when she opened her wallet. She was 26. She looked like she was 40. I wanted to ask her “why?” I wanted to ask her, “Who pays for your synthetic cheek bones?” I wanted to ask her everything but I was afraid if I opened my mouth, it would be way too obvious that I was horrified.
Instead, I turned back to my manicurist. She held up my freshly painted nails and announced, “Now you are so pretty!”
I looked at the girl next to me. For whatever sick reason, it made it easier to believe that maybe my manicurist was right. Maybe I really was pretty. I spent the rest of the day in bright sunshine.
Disclaimer: If I am not actually pretty, that’s fine. It was a $15 manicure and they used Chanel Jade polish. Still totally worth it.
[OLYMPIA CAMPBELL - AM I THE IMAGINARY SOCIALITE?]