Imaginary Socialite

Or as Atlanta DeCadenet says, one of them is “definitely one of the dumbest bitches out there.” Yeah, guess which one.

[MATTHEW BIRES - AM I THE IMAGINARY SOCIALITE?]

[email me - imaginarysocialite@gmail.com]

“Be my girlfriend,” he thuds.

It’s 5 AM and I’d think I was dreaming, except the waitress heard us. She was laughing, and not on the inside.

“What does that even mean?” I laze. I don’t mean to be all 500 Days of Summer but the truth is, I need to stall.

“Don’t play Philosophy Major,” he snaps. Actually, I studied art. Actually, I can bullshit way better than those metaphysics kids. “You know what I mean,” he continues. He tugs on his t-shirt. I think he only wears one, but maybe he has multiples, like Superman. “A girlfriend. She should be cool, and she should get me, and she should be really nice. She should be you, maybe.”

Laughter behind us. The waitress. I order Lo Mein Then I look out the window.

Here’s what my guts do: They splurge on pink and purple slime, and churn the threads of glee and “gross!” into a sticky knot that scrapes above my ribs. I can feel rainbows and hearts and sunshine jabbing into my stomach. I can feel hands on my thighs even though I’m twisted up. And the happy and the horror zip themselves together and finally fold away.

Here’s what my face does: It hatches into a daylight grin and a stream of laughing air. I learned how to do this when I was fourteen, but as I grew up, it got harder to tell when it was fake. I’m not grown up yet. I shouldn’t have just typed that. Anyway.

“I’m tired,” I hiss. “But you’re funny. Can you pass me the hot sauce?”

We live a block from each other. We take separate cabs home. I sleep dreamless, and with my fingers in my hair.

[AURELIE BIDERMANN - AM I THE IMAGINARY SOCIALITE?]

(more…)

[WATKIN TUDOR JONES - AM I THE IMAGINARY SOCIALITE?]

These rings and this Louis Vuitton bag have one thing in common:

They were both imported from a Paris attic in the ’80s.

But was the suitcase made in Paris…

Or did it come from somewhere else -

Like a factory in Taiwan?

[GAIA REPOSSI - AM I THE IMAGINARY SOCIALITE?]

[COME VISIT!]

[EMAIL ME - IMAGINARYSOCIALITE@GMAIL.COM]

Happiness hit her like a train on a track

Coming towards her stuck still no turning back

She hid around corners and she hid under beds

She killed it with kisses and from it she fled…

[CATHERINE ZETA JONES - AM I THE IMAGINARY SOCIALITE?]

Krystal, 28

Just arrived

Just curious

Just between us

Just a little crush…

[REED KRAKOFF - AM I THE IMAGINARY SOCIALITE?]

[EMAIL ME - IMAGINARYSOCIALITE@GMAIL.COM]

1. The industry critic who’s taking cash for a consulting gig - totally illegal.

2. The “leave a dead credit card at the bar” scheme, as perfected by a former Conde girl. She can’t stop scamming - and can’t stop getting caught. Psychopaths are people, too?

3. The new faces of our favorite sneakers, as seen right here on this blog. Stay tuned for the ads!

4. Ring pops are the new Goyards. Just so you know.

[KHERRINGTON PAYNE - AM I THE IMAGINARY SOCIALITE?]

[AND WE'RE BACK. WRITE ME: IMAGINARYSOCIALITE@GMAIL.COM]

And though it’s been a long time

You’re right back where you started from

I see it in your eyes

That now you’re giving up the gun

I see you shine in your way

Go on, go on, go on.

I see you shine in your way. Go on, go on, go on.

[YOUNG JEAN LEE - AM I THE IMAGINARY SOCIALITE?]

This “KB Fitted Dress,” named after Lauren Ambrose’s muppet in Where the Wild Things Are.

Sold at Opening Ceremony.

Retails (on sale) for $138.

Comes with belt.

Comes without Spike Jonze or his wistful movie monsters (sad).

A must-have or a must-be-kidding?

[PEDRO LOURENCO - AM I THE IMAGINARY SOCIALITE?]