Imaginary Socialite

During the Renaissance, girls used to bleach their hair with urine. It started as a courtesan thing but soon everyone was doing it – the princesses, the waitresses, the kids. Botticelli’s paintings of Simone De Medici (and let’s face it, they’re all of Simone de Medici) show a goddess in all her golden glory. Really it’s just the familiar story of piss turned to glamour, which happens all the time.

New thought. Sort of. It has become quite cool to want to die.

Horrific too, but when you have a chain from Ledger to McQueen, from sloppy did-you-mean-it to cinched let-me-go, it’s an issue of flashbulbs as well as fatality. This week, Google changed its search engine, so when you type in “ways to kill yourself,” it sends you straight to suicide prevention. That’s amazing. And yet, it’s okay to want to kill pieces of yourself, swiftly, sharply, like a kind of soul electrolysis.

Don’t apologize for that. Just do it quick, before you let yourself look back.

[MARK RYDEN - AM I THE IMAGINARY SOCIALITE?]

[Email Me - ImaginarySocialite@gmail.com]

1. Getting stuck in St. Tropez means nobody knows you’re booked for campaign season…

2. What do Don Hills and Kenmare have in common?

3. The socialite’s kid who’s been shot drinking and smoking on so many photo blogs that her rivals have considered sending them to social services.

4. How good were those raspberry hibiscus popsicles? Sooooo good.

[REBECCA NAOMI JONES - AM I THE IMAGINARY SOCIALITE?]

We can settle by the sea, trouble’s gonna bury me

Leave our troubles by the sand, I see water, I see land

C-A-P-S-I-Z-E all the way home

I’m gonna tilt a while.

[STUART EMMRICH - AM I THE IMAGINARY SOCIALITE?]

Becka’s rocking a serious pair of sunglasses, at left.

They’re gold plated, square framed, and complete with a chain you couldn’t dare take past airport security.

But are they the ones designed by JPG and worn by Lady Gaga?

Or are they the ones found on the St. Marks rack in the background?

Call me on the te-te-telephone and let me know what you think.

Or I can just tell you. They’re totally fake. I just love the photo – it’s so much fun!

[JANE ROSENTHAL - AM I THE IMAGINARY SOCIALITE?]

Also, Neon Indian is not Neon Trees.

And Neon Trees is not Dead Trees.

And The XX is not INXS.

And My Morning Jacket is not The Morning Benders.

And thus concludes the Saturday sugar high.

[SARAH LEWIS - AM I THE IMAGINARY SOCIALITE?]

1. $60,000 in a suitcase. Mulberry and So- South- You- Can’t- Find- It. Le Jazz Hot, here we come?

2. Lily Kwong, Club Monaco heartthrob. Ours, too.

3. The “medical emergency” at Boom Boom on Thursday.

4. Courtney Love’s new wardrobe mistress. We know who she is – do you?

[PEYTON LIST - AM I THE IMAGINARY SOCIALITE?]

In a sense, the Balenciaga Moto Bag is the Crocodile of accessories:

It’s outlasted everything else, and become something of a dangerous, vicious survivor.

Left in its wake were The Jelly Kelly, The Fendi Baguette, The Dior Saddle Bag, The Luella Gisele, The Louis Murakami, and soon – let’s face it – The Rocco.

It’s been to Moomba, Bungalow, Beatrice, Jane – all now extinct. And yet, this sack of leather and lycra thread is still going – and of course, so are their Canal street counterparts.

So is the one at left a genuine fashion crocodile – or is it just a crock?

[ANGELO BIANCHI - AM I THE IMAGINARY SOCIALITE?]

[WRITE ME - IMAGINARYSOCIALITE@GMAIL.COM]

This one time, I puked blood.

It stained my hands and my hair and my eyelashes; sometimes when I squint I can still see the drops. It felt like I was leaking my own breath. For a second I was a shadow, slammed shut against the wall. But the weird thing is, it didn’t hurt. Not even a little bit. Not even at all.

And last week, you said “Why won’t you hug me?” and I did. And you said “Why won’t you kiss me?” and I did. And “Oh, this is my girlfriend,” and oh.

My gut crushed. My blood seared. My heart sharded small bones through the cracks of my spine. I think I balled my skirt like a doll; I think a smile soaked through my cheeks until it looked convincing. But the weird thing is, it didn’t hurt. Not even a little bit. Not even at all.

In the morning, my phone rang and it was sunshine. I pulled myself up from the sheets by my palms, and coughed hard. No blood. No problem.

Well, it’s a start.

[AND YOU GUYS WONDER WHY I DON'T UPDATE AS MUCH ANYMORE. IT'S BECAUSE THIS SHIT IS BORING.]

[GREG MOTTOLA - AM I THE IMAGINARY SOCIALITE?]

And other things The New York Times forgot to tell you.

Also:

I’m a little bit dyslexic, so this gets me every time.

Also, also:

Nice pants.

[OLYMPIA LE TAN - AM I THE IMAGINARY SOCIALITE?]

What’s a Chanel bag doing at Sweet & Vicious?

a) Watching its owner get trashed and make out.

b) Watching its owner get trashed and make love.

c) Watching its owner get trashed and make a really bad decision.

d) Watching its owner get trashed and make up an excuse why she has a fake Chanel bag, even though it’s kind of pathetic.

[HANNAH MARSHALL - AM I THE IMAGINARY SOCIALITE?]

Naomi Thomas, 24

Imitates swimmers.

Intimates secrets.

Intricate outfits.

Isn’t gonna settle for anything less than 100% fun. Because with us, that’s the way it goes.

[MAGGIE CHEUNG - AM I THE IMAGINARY SOCIALITE?]

Balenciaga Moto Bag, stuck in the bushes at Kensington Palace, London.

[ZOE LISTER JONES - AM I THE IMAGINARY SOCIALITE?]